the greatest invention

After finishing a relatively healthy bowl of soup at lunch today, i got to thinking i wanted more. Nay, not more soup, but more chocolate, chips, cheesecake and... (what else begins with "c" that is considered detrimental to the finer workings of the human body?)... cholesterol. ahhhhh, cholesterol; sweet sweet good-for-nothing cholesterol.

Alas, wanting more vs. actually getting more doesn't always elicit similar behaviour; instead it begins with a conscious battle between either crowning my discipline (and denying the urge) or satisfying my yelping taste buds (and succumbing to the urge). On my better days, discipline is crowned queen as my taste buds wistfully bow down.

Today was a good day; i drowned my cravings in a cup of cholesterol-free tasteless tea. i glanced into my transparent substitution for everything delicious beginning with "c" and could see the odd flakes of grime stuck to the bottom of the cup, (no doubt left over from a hot chocolate package that wasn't mixed enough and from which i hadn't bothered to wash away), and i became furiously frustrated. i glared at those (rotten) chocolatey flakes while imagining the boundless shelves of (fresh!) goodness that lay, only steps away, at the local 7-11. Why couldn't i achieve both? Why couldn't wanting more and actually getting more be merged without having to deny my taste buds or de-crown my discipline?

Why Eureka, it could! Through the invention of a neck-hole!

That's right, a neck-hole (or a hole in the neck in layman's terms). Picture it: if i had a neck hole, i could satisfy all my cravings without having to suffer the consequences of a bloated belly or extra caloric intake. With a neck hole, everything that went in my mouth would simply come streaming out my neck; do not pass the esophagus, do not collect 200 pounds.

A neck hole could even come with a decorative tube (flesh-coloured of course) joined to a discreetly hidden (also flesh-coloured) "baggy". Once the snack or craving had been deemed complete, the now-pleasantly-full "baggy" could be conveniently tossed and the neck tube removed.

Of course there would have to be stipulations. One, neck tubes could not be shared. If you forgot your tube while dining at a restaurant, discipline would have to kick in at high gear or you would be forced to contend with a unappealing chest stained with chewed (but not digested) food. Restaurants wouldn't tolerate such behaviour and neither would your friends. Stipulation number two: the neck hole could only be 'opened' and used for EXTRA calories - if the body detected its minimal caloric intake wasn't met, it would simply deny access to the neck hole; much the same as HAL denied David access to the pod bay door in Kubrick's 2001: A Space Odyssey. Stipulation one would guarantee hygiene. And stipulation two would guarantee no one took advantage of their neck holes to conform to un-natural body trends.

The concept of a neck hole way seem slightly ghoulish now, but if it were always part of the human genome, then it wouldn't seem any more strange than fingers or ears or necks; it would simply be a known (and appreciated!) part of the body.
Perhaps even a sexy part of the body.

Hmmmmmmm sexy neck hole.

As my cholesterol-free tasteless tea grew cold and my daydream of the greatest invention slowly faded, i was left with the unattainable truth:

With a neck hole, i could cut my cholesterol and eat my cake too.